Monday, August 31, 2009

Some Days

Some days parenting a child with special needs is difficult. Most days I can handle the 4th time she has spilled her cup. Most days I can handle her high sensory needs as she crumbles her food and drops it on the floor. Most days I can handle her impulsiveness and distraction. Most days I can handle her jumping into dirt/rocks and mashing herself into anything messy. Most days I can handle her extreme emotions. Most days I can handle her overstimulation. Most days I can handle her limited sense of danger and the fact that she needs constant supervision. Most days I can handle having to hold her hand for stability. Most days I can handle teaching her to play appropriately with her toys. Most days I can cheer her on and encourage her ride her bike. Most days I can handle that all our savings have gone to pay for therapy for Elizabeth and our home renovations have halted.
But I also have days where I hate what prematurity has done to Elizabeth and our family. Some days I can't handle cleaning up another spill. Some days I tell Elizabeth that at almost 4 years old she should stop and look for cars and begrudge not being able to take my eyes off her for a second. Some days I snap at her for digging herself into dirt and pebbles. Some days I roll my eyes when she breaks down in tears over something that is not important. Some days I hate that I have to stay with her for a class to keep her safe and encourage her to pay attention. Some days I just want her to go off and play and not have to worry about if she playing appropriately. Some days I want things to be easier. Some days I hate myself for snapping at her because it is not her fault that she does these things. Some days it is my fault that she is getting into things because I have not worked enough on her sensory/proprioceptive activities causing her to seek input. Some days I look at our unfinished home and want to scream. On most days I look longingly at other parents and wonder how it must be to not have to worry about how your child walks, talks, hears and plays. Some days I hate myself for feeling these angry thoughts. Some days as her mother I feel despaired, Elizabeth knows these days because she usually asks 'Mama are you happy?', I of course tell her I am so happy because I have her. We are so blessed to have her but some days it is a lot for me to handle.


Anonymous said...

Looks like yesterday was not one of those days.

I'm not really in your club, but there are many who feel just as you did yesterday.

Hoping the shared understanding of others is some comfort. Barbara

abby said...

Hugs. Fortunately, today, for us, was more the first kind of day than the second kind of day, but lots of days are 'some days' around here, and I totally know where you are. And, some days I just wish that most parents of typically developing kids understood what those 'some days' were like for us, and how much work of a different kind we have to do as parents and how much fear of a different kind we have as parents. And, finally, I wish I could keep myself from constantly returning back to the question of whether it will ever get easier for our kids, and for us, and whether we'll ever just be able to breathe easy.

Ellen Seidman said...

Oh, boy, do I hear you on that. Actually, EVERY single one of the things you said? I feel the same way, too. You have nailed frustrations we face as parents of kids with special needs.

Luckily, these moments and days aren't that common. I know that you, like me, are a real champion for Elizabeth. You are human, too, and have to deal with so much more than parents of typically developing kids—so it's very normal to have any and all of these feelings.

Thank you for airing and articulating this.


Ellen Seidman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Valeria said...

I Often feel like second days... And after i think that isn't her fault but mine if she was born at 24w... :-(
I know how is difficult... The same anxiety when she play.. And you have to play correct with her... Alwayse...

Candace said...

Oh gosh, I have those days too! It's ok, don't feel guilty! You can just pour it out here and get it off your chest. I am sure that we all need to sometimes. HUGS!